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This month, as multiple projects kicked off, I saw my freedom slowly being blown away like burnt-colored leaves falling from the trees in Autumn. All that I love and valued –  full control of my schedule, the space to create and innovate, the joy of learning and trying… little by little, one by one, falling away, right before my eyes. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for all these opportunities, but in hindsight, if only I knew how much it would take away from me, I would’ve chosen differently. 

I felt something inside me I couldn’t explain. I was overwhelmed by the multitude of tasks that  suddenly took over my days. I was tired too. Then I was angry and frustrated. Like a child, dragging her feet, when her parents asked her to wash the dishes or to go to bed. It felt so heavy. And it got heavier everyday. 

I shared with one of my coaches that I wasn’t ready just yet to let go of the grudge. I told her that I’ve yet to see the silver lining in all these. I thought that maybe, writing up the good ol’ gratitude list will brighten up my days. 

Today, as I was scrolling through social media, I came across an invitation for autumn-themed watercolor class. I used to scroll right past it because I found the colors so sad and gloomy, but today I saw it differently. It resonated with me. I suddenly felt the pain deep inside. The pain that was buried underneath the overwhelm, frustration, tiredness and anger. 

I realized that my heart was mourning. I mourn the loss of my spring and summer days. I mourn the loss of brighter days when I had hours and hours spent on studying, when Mondays were an extension of weekends, when I set my own timelines, when I can experiment and innovate, when though my schedule heavy, my heart felt light. 

So for now, I allow myself to sit here and mourn as I watch the leaves fall off from trees, pile up into little hills. Autumn is here, so let me go and grow through it. I know it will pass. In the mean time, I continue preparing and planting my seeds… So when spring comes again, I will be ready. 

Remembering Autumn in
Osaka, Japan